I sat through another funeral of a young man this morning. Too young as it were to leave behind a loving family and close friends. I know that I am not getting any younger and these days will become more commonplace the older that I get. All of the men I know that passed on this year however, have been younger than me. That reality has not escaped my awareness.
Today's service was a Catholic mass in Spanish. Only being able to comprehend about 25% of what was being said, I would have thought the experience would be somehow detached, foreign, confusing. Turns out, I was wrong. Not being able to follow most of what was being said I found myself sharpened, clear, and more concise of the gravity than usual. Not being distracted by the usual speech of the priest that often times can sound rehearsed and even at times, be distracting in it's desensitized repetitiveness. I hope that is not offensive, I have just found that to be true sometimes at both weddings and funerals.
There was something so beautiful in the culture, religion, and tears. None of which were my own save a few tears. Reminding me yet again of the power of brotherly love that is unconditional. Furthermore the power of God, without the boundary of race, religion, or culture. It was a powerful morning, far beyond the normal grief I have experienced at the funerals of young men I have attended in recent times. Similar to the Jewish funeral I attended where I was a bit of a "foreigner".
I don't really know the point of this note. I could go on about not holding grudges, about getting over ourselves and our petty judgements of others, their actions, their decisions and all that… but I really don't feel like it. If you're over the age of 20, have suffered loss, and have received love, you should know this. Not that I am judging you if you don't. It's hard to live that way all of the time. The world is cold, people let us down, we let people down. We are ALL flawed. In the past few years, my understanding of unconditional love has changed. I guess that's my point. It's becoming more and more painfully, yet beautifully clear to me…unconditional love is the only true "love", and those two words together are not negotiable. Love will be tested, it should be tested, a blade is only made sharp by being ground against a rough stone.
There are people still living that I have "lost". It's hard for me to imagine what exactly is worth turning your back on somebody you love while they still breathe. Funerals of young men of course tend to drive that home. With a lot of people however, life kicks back in after a few days and our grudges and grievances return to our hearts. I have had the closest of friends "disappoint" me, "wrong" me, be self destructive, make terrible decisions, and other things that people deem to be unforgivable. Really? Am I to only be your friend when you are living up to my standards? If this were the case, I would be a very lonely person as nobody is perfect and some less perfect than others… I have always said no to this. However, it strikes me that I am judging those who would hold a grudge against me as not being justified in their anger for whatever it is I may have done. It's just hard to get over that when I truly have always forgiven their "mistakes" or indiscretions or whatever and not received the same forgiveness when I faltered. Where's the lesson here? What's my course of action, or path to move on? Will somebody that I love someday do something that I deem unforgivable or worth shutting them out of my heart? Short of harming one of my children or some other grievous act of evil, I would like to believe the answer is no. It has been so far in my 38 years.
So I guess if you are reading this…you're one of few =-) No really, I am pleading with you, get over it. At the risk of sounding like a cliche, don't wait until it's too late. It WILL, without a doubt, sooner than you think, be too late. All warm and fuzzy sayings aside, tomorrow is not promised, people are not perfect, loved ones will let you down, piss you off, and do things you don't understand. If you are so righteous that people must "deserve" your love by some merit system that you formulate they will most likely all fail at some point on some level. I find it more to be the case that when a friend is making bad decisions or doing whatever I think is "beneath" them and their character, that is in fact THEN that they need my love the most. Not my judgement.
Hug your kids, call your mom, tell your friend you are sorry, and that you cherish them.
I love you. I cherish you. I think about you everyday. I miss you when you are not here. I am grateful for you. I am sorry for any pain I have ever caused you. My arms are forever open along with my heart.
